I want to believe
Growing up, magic always fascinated me. How could it not? Magic, as they showed it in all the stories, would banish all your problems, make friends for you, and even let you get the girl, once in a while. What more could a kid want, right? I never was that popular... those that got to know me liked me well enough, and its not like I was ugly or clumsy or weak or anything like that... I was just weird. I liked books, I thought much more than most of the people around me ever would... so I just sorta faded into the social background... I had a few acquaintances, a few friends, and my books, but not much else.
About 16, I started going to SCA meetings. I'd met a few people in games who played the Game, and they invited me to come to practice. I was enchanted... here were all these people who loved history, liked songs and all the other things I liked, and they were some of the friendliest folks I'd ever met. Within a month, I'd stopped just being Thomas Graham. I was also Edwin of Cambridge, man at arms in the Kingdom of Calontir, Shire of the Spinning Winds. It was still a couple years until I could fight, but I could sing and study with the best of them... I even picked up a bit of sewing, though I got by more on talent and charm than any real skill.
I got out of high school, and decided to stay in Manhattan for college. I studied history like mad, nearly exhausting the library of books on the late medieval period... the 13th century was my particular favorite. I guess it was about this time I started getting a little gray in my hair... it could be worse, I suppose, since I still have it all... but the gray wasn't a welcome sign.
It's kind of strange. I grew up a Catholic, to be sure, but looking at medieval history just kept pushing me away from that. My love for magic got me more into the weird side of the middle ages, and I started doing more and more work with the beliefs of medieval Europeans. From there, I branched out into modern magick, learning as much as I could, building up a sizable library of second-hand (and a couple new) books on magic, scrounged from any place I could find. I found out about the Shadowboard, and started poking around there, lurking until I knew what was going on, then slowly gaining at least a modicum of respect as a slightly-clued up newbie. I guess I really stopped kidding myself about my lack of Catholicism my senior year, while I was working on my thesis. I still went occasionally, but spent more time studying the historical roots and magical importance of the ceremony than really listening to the priest.
I graduated in 2000, and got ready for grad school in Syracuse. I packed up my armor, my books, and my meager wardrobe and headed up there in my minivan about early August, finding myself an apartment to settle into before I had to get started. By that time, I was a fyrdman in the Army of Calontir, a published writer in a couple gaming and history magazines, and an avid seeker of magical secrets. I don't know why I stayed with the magic, truthfully. It never really worked for me. Sometimes, I could swear it was going to work... I could feel the power building behind the spell, I could feel it trying to do things... then it would fizzle, leaving me exhausted and discouraged. One of my earlier teachers told me you have to really believe in magic for it to work... deep in my heart, though, I don't really believe in it.
This past year was hell. My first semester, I was working constantly, not only teaching and studying, but trying to get used to fighting in the Kingdom of Aethelmearc's slightly more aggressive style, and to rebuild the network of contacts I lost when I moved out of Kansas. Apparently, Syracuse's history and religion program draw more than their share of sorcerers, mystics, and acolytes, because I had them rebuilt by Winter Break (which I spent safely ensconced in the library, reading as much as I could get my hands on).
Classes started up soon after the Barony of Deltwood rang in the Millenium, and I dropped teaching so I could work on my thesis "The Interaction of Magical and Religious Beliefs in the Late Middle Ages". Doing the research was heavenly, and I spent the first two months living in the library and classrooms... I think I went home about once a week, I was having so much fun.
Until Dark Day.
I guess there had been signs. My readings had been becoming darker and darker, but I thought that was just my recent break-up that was influencing that. Some folks on the 'Board has been babbling about the end of the world, but they'd been doing that since I got on in '98. I just turned a blind eye to the signs, not thinking anything that major would happen. Then the sun didn't come up, and people started killing each other. Dark Day was hell. If I hadn't found that old book in the Engineering annex (don't ask me what a book on 9th century magic was doing in the engineering annex... I don't know) that taught me those protective charms, I don't think I would have made it when that thing showed up in the library. It swung something at me, something that looked like a shadow and moved like a snake, and all I could think was "Don't let that touch you!" I tried to grab it, and it stopped just inches in front of my face... but without my hands touching it. I held it there by force of will, glaring at the what-ever-it-was that attacked me. It twitched one of its many eyebrows, and I yanked it with all my might, tearing off the tentacle in my fear. The foulness that was its blood poured all over my body, but it fled, howling in pain. I ran home, drawing a circle on the floor, spending my day praying to every god that I could think of that nothing more would happen that day. Whether I was lucky or my protection spell worked, I don't know, but I was left alone until that first, beautiful, sunrise After Dark.
That was three weeks ago. Now there are things going on I don't like. Some of my Acolyte friends found their faith, and are studying to be sorcerers. Other friends have changed so radically I don't dare trust them any more. That's the mood on the 'Board these days... trust no one who's changed, since they might be one of them. I'm even hearing this from people I know and can sort of trust, so I'm following it like its my new religion. One of the few I can trust is Lady Caitlin (or Tracy, as the mundanes call her), down at The Athame. I'm thinking of heading down there this afternoon and checking out what she's gotten in... her shipment always comes in on Fridays, and that was yesterday. Since the day is nice, maybe I can also talk her into going for a picnic or maybe dinner tonight (breakfast tomorrow?). I have great hopes for Caitlin. She's been a bit friendlier since New Year's... who knows?
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